Wednesday, October 31, 2007



It has been some time since we've talked. And yesterday I almost denied you.

He asked me if I believed in God, and I hesitated. I had to think about it. It wasn't right there sitting obviously in my heart and mouth... I had to search for it, had to ponder the question, had to compare the answer I've had so much confidence in, to my life right now.

What I realized is this: I can't deny you. I've seen too much, I've learned too much. I loved you too much - so much sometimes I thought my body was too small to contain a love so ridiculously beyond my comprehension.

I used to lay awake at night, and wake up early to think about you. I filled journals and songs with my awe. I felt whole in your presence. Like all the odd pieces of me - suddenly came together to reflect you, and that made sense.

I cannot deny a love that was so consuming...

... And then you were silent. Your presence and peace eluded me.

I loved you so completely - that your silence tore through my soul. It was a deep, bitter tear. I went to worship and cried at the indifferent silence my prayers met. I screamed at heaven in my truck after church. Where was the ear of God? Where was his peace for me?

I waited...

And when the silence hurt too much, I stopped waiting. I let my heart get harder. I left the church. I moved away. I left behind anyone who reminded me of you.

I came to hate your people; I, the scorned woman; and all of them the other lover, the one more worthy of your care.

This is as honest as I know how to be.

You left me. And maybe you would have come back. Maybe if I'd waited longer; maybe if I'd prayed harder... Maybe you never left; maybe it was all my fault. But the rejection of someone who had my whole heart - was too much to carry around.

So I left too.

And now - here I am. Tossing this weak prayer out into the abyss between us. A message drifting the ocean in a bottle. You, who were so close - now so far across the void. My voice echoing through space and time. I hear the echo disappear into the chasm, not knowing if it will ever find your ears... But saying, nonetheless, all that I am able to say right now:

I remember you.

I hope we find peace before the end.


Anonymous said...

I am struggling for words to help you but all I can offer right now is that I love you and all that you are.

Anonymous said...

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:7-9

Anonymous said...

"hope deferred makes the heart sick" - proverbs 13:12