So I've been out here for three weeks now. I think everyone is starting to settle in, but I'm not sure I like where I'm settling. I think I'm sort of the odd-girl out on my team. I get along ok with everybody, but typically hang out with the guys, and have a hard time relating to the girls.
It's so strange! In so many ways, I feel like I've gone full-circle back to my high school self. I'd rather just read in my room most days than make the enormous effort it takes for me to be "sociable". When I do make myself go outside, I have a hard time staying focused on whats going on, or keeping my mind in the conversation. I'd forgotten how hard it is to make friends, and I've discovered that I make terrible first impressions!
What's really sad, I think, is that I feel totally comfortable with the idea of just doing the "loner" thing this year. It takes so much energy to try to connect with people, and honestly, it can be mostly disappointing; especially knowing I already have such good friends and family at home.
But I also feel the conviction that life is about people living together. Our interactions, and the connections we make, and the influence we have on our society. I hate that it's so easy for me to check out of the game.
I'm going to try and rally my strength and make a big social push these next few weeks, if I can. It takes so much energy to love people, and it's so risky! But I'd rather fall on my face every day trying to reach out, than get to the end of my life and think noone will ever know I lived on this planet.