Thursday, July 28, 2005

Some Thoughts on Prayer

A man keeps coming to our door asking for help; mostly money, but sometimes food or toilet paper. He always has a different sad story. I think there's probably some truth to it, but mostly I know he's lying to me, pretty much all the time now.

I'm so torn about the Christian duty in a situation like this. I think the call is to be merciful and generous, but I'm wearied by his lies and disregard for me as a person. I feel he thinks of me only as a resource - someone he can manipulate to get what he wants. When I help him I feel abused, when I don't I feel like a hypocrite and a sinner.

I wonder if God wearies of me knocking on his door, asking for blessings without stopping to regard him as a person ever, without loving Him first. Lord, make me holy, righteous... make me wise. Give me strength... Make me a servant. Do I just treat Him as a resource?

That's not a relationship. I don't want to treat my God like a genie, or a magic charm. I think sometimes I get so hung up on what I need to become in light of Christ, that I forget about who He is. I think I need to do a little less petitioning before the throne, and a little more standing in awe. I want to stop chasing after my sanctification, and just 'be still and know' that He is God.

I just want to love Him, and let His change wash over my heart. (amen.)

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