When I get excited or nervous about something, I can't sleep. My mind just reels with possibilities or worries, and I can't slow it down enough to get any rest.
I haven't slept in three days.
Tuesday night, after an interview with a law office downtown that morning, and an awesome hope group that evening, I found myself leveling with God. Someone had prayed this verse from Isaiah for me: "they that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength..."
Here is an exert from my journal that night:
The law office called this afternoon and asked me to come in for a
second interview tomorrow. I keep day-dreaming about getting this job,
getting accepted into Americorps, and getting to keep the cash I'd saved up
for a long job hunt in savings... i.e. -day dreaming about everything just
falling into place; but then I stop myself and think, 'no - don't get your
hopes up. Your life is never easy like that.'
...I wonder what that says about how I view God's provision for me.
I'm trying to embrace that verse that says: “Which of you, if his son asks
for bread, will give him a stone?"
... I want to stop exptecting a stone from Him. I feel wearied
from waiting on the Lord.... Teach me to wait on the Lord with hope, not
After that, I decided that if things weren't going to work out, it wasn't going to be because I didn't ask. I just flat out asked Him, that if it were within His will - could He please help me get this job, get into Americorps, and keep some of my savings. This is so strange - I almost never pray like that -- Normally, I would just pray for God to make my heart strong enough to handle whatever happens, or give me more patience.
If you know God, you know how this story ends:
Basically, the next morning, I was offered a job that 150 people applied for; got a letter in the mail from Americorps welcoming me to the program (despite blowing my phone interview), and will start work soon enough so that I won't even have touched my savings yet. Even more awesome, my new boss hired me knowing that I was planning on leaving town in nine months or so; and Americorps placed me in South Carolina - which, of all the campuses they have, is the one closest to my sister and her children.
The best part of all of this though, is just feeling heard by God - and feeling the reality of these verses in my life:
“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"