Thursday, January 13, 2005

i've been reading ecclesiastes

i'm at my sisters apartment in dallas - three hours from austin.

i've put off packing my stuff long enough now, that i have to face the part of me that really doesn't want to go back. i feel like all my stresses and anxieties are just waiting for me there. my apartment is trashed out - just waiting for me to come home and clean it. the bills are probably waiting in the mailbox. the classified ads are in austin too - calling me to hurry up and get back to work.

my church is there too, in all its brokeness - waiting for me to exhort and challenge her, or just 'go to church,' listen and smile politely - and let all of my exhortations, concerns, and longings just pull and tug at my own heart. hope deferred makes the heart sick...

i'm tired. and lately, i find myself just wanting to get out of my life and start over. i think about moving to a new city, going to a new church, making new friends. but the truth is, that people are people wherever you go, churches are broken (for now). starting over would just change the scenery - not the strain.

i try to push myself forward with a "carpe diem!" attitude, and my dad's voice in the background, 'all you have is today.' but sometimes... even most of the time - i don't even want today. i just want Christ to come back. i want to look up, and see Him 'rising from the east', and know that it's over. that now life will really be living! that the mundane, drudgery is over with - and now we'll all be fulfilled!

i think that God has made me a visionary - i'm great at seeing people for who they could be - who they are in Christ. i'm great at seeing things for their possibility. but i think, with that vision, comes a certain dissatisfaction with the way things are now. a distaste for reality, if you will. ... or maybe that's the enemy's snare for me. maybe he uses my hope to breed sorrow.

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