Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Soul Thirst

I'm 21, I just graduated college, and I feel like I'm living in limbo. I'm too young to be done with school, and too young to be "out in the world". I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with my life now really; what the 'right thing', the 'smart thing', the 'responsible thing' to do now is.

All the decisions I've made to get me to this point right now, were based on a passion, and absolute desire to serve the Lord, to embrace his destiny and purpose for my life. When it was time to decide what to major in, I was so certain of his hand guiding me, and my place under his wing... so I studied religion, at a liberal, secular state school. A seemingly worthless degree - but I didn't mind being a fool for Him. I started leading a small group in my church, hoping to help others see Him in His fullness, and follow Him recklessly. I formed my world, and all my relationships around Him.

And then I hit such a desert. Its been almost two years now since I've really felt close to the Lord, or like I was living in His presence. So I find myself at the end of a path that was laid for Him, but I feel like He's nowhere in sight. Instead of working out of the wealth of His love, I'm holding on as tightly as I can to my convictions, and what I know to be true of His character, from two years ago.

I no longer follow Him with abandon - but only as far as I can from my own strength, and I'm so weak. I find myself mostly, just trying not to sin, but not bringing about any fruit, or following Him past the minimum requirements. In some ways, I sensed the presence of God more, even before I was really walking as a Christian, than I do now.

Lately, I feel that the key to finding His love again is discipleship - to follow Him recklessly, despite cost. To suffer for Christ and his cause, without the romance... and so, in blindly following His steps, perhaps to touch the train of his robes now and then. But another part of me is also afraid to try - afraid that its just works, another dead end path, that I still won't find Him on the other side, --and then what? Then i'm hopeless, and ruined without my king. What am I living for - even now, except to see His face? Without Him, my life is waste, empty shadows, and quickly fading. Every hope I have is wrapped up in Him. I'm lost without Him, and desperate for Him.