Burger King came out with a new sandwich this week, which means when I go back to work, I'm going to have to get trained by some punk sixteen year old, who they made shift manager after a month.... He'll explain to me how much Burger King values community and diversity, and tell me seven times what goes on a Whopper.
Little does he know, I'm old school. I've been working fast food since he discovered girls. I've seen it all, and I know that valuing community really means: don't complain to your boss, or ask questions about your shift leaders work ethics.
And I know that seeking out diversity in the work place really means: People who don't speak English, work harder and don't know that you're cheating them.
Well listen up, punk. I'm a fast food machine. I've been harnessing my skills since I was sixteen. I've flipped more burgers, and worked with more Mexican women, than you've ever dreamed...
So don't tell me the mayonaisse goes on both sides of the chicken sandwich. It's a rule I'm well aware of, and have systematically decided to ignore. And don't tell me to smile at the customers. They know I hate my job, and if they don't they're probably not coherent enough to notice I'm not smiling...
And Kid: I know what goes on a Whopper.